he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
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