he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
