I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
