my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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