Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
