I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
