dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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