I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
