Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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