i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
This house was built for laser tag.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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