he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Is it because I queefed?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
