that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
