I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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