The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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