Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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