i jhust puked up my retainher.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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