Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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