Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
