I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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