Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Randomize
