he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
