I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Life is so much better after having sex.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
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