There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
