I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
