I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
