you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
