Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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