Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
either way he was missing a nipple.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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