Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
