my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It happened again.
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.