My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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