just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
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There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
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fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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