I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
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You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
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She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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