So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
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Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
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True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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