I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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