I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
