You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize