Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Randomize
