I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
