i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
