After last night, I could never be a politician.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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