Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
