Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
