My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Randomize
