someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
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I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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