got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
