I wish I could teleport
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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