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You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
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