i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
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The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
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I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you