I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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