i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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