My friends, they love my intelligence
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
