He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
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