Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
