Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
