I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
