Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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