I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
