Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
