o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
