I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
