I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He? As in you personified your dick?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
