y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Randomize
